Wednesday, March 24, 2010


I'm feeling particularly hopeless right now. As much as I try to fight to have hope, right now it's like trying to swim up a waterfall. If not for my wife and kids, I would easily be lost to deep pools of sadness and despair.
As much as I love them, the safe friends I have who also suffer don't, I think, fully understand what it's like to live life without ever having any sense of purpose or calling. They are at least operating in the realm of the dreams that God has planted in their hearts. It is nearly unbearable to have remnants of old dreams, old desires still moving around in my soul but with no hope of any kind of resolution, convergence or healing in sight. I feel like every other person in the kingdom has a plan for their life, has a purpose, but me. Every Sunday only adds to my pain as I'm surrounded by a community that once was a safe place for me, but now is filled with people who have it together; not to mention that it's the graveyard of the before-mentioned dreams.

Has my life been broken beyond the point of repair? Is my life already beyond the point of significance or meaning? I know what I believe - that knowing Christ is supposed to satisfy my soul - but knowing that doesn't make it so; in fact it makes it worse at times.

God have mercy on me.

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