Monday, August 25, 2008

Battle with Shame

I felt significant freedom on Friday and Saturday because of the Lord's victory in my heart. Sunday (yesterday) was more difficult because of three instances where shame undermined me.

The first instance was from an "honest mistake." But this mistake made me feel very stupid inside; I don't allow myself to make mistakes - not like that.

The second instance was a sinful response to the first bout with shame. I chose sin as a way of comforting myself against shame. Surprise! didn't work, and resulted in more shame.

The third instance involved food, and eating too much unhealthy stuff at dinner. I have alot of issues of food, namely oftentimes FOOD = SHAME for me. It's almost like I'm swallowing shame, taking it inside me. As it adds fat to my body and appearance, it almost guarantees it's continual existence. Every time I look at myself I feel shame.

I'm trying to apply my newfound identity to this shame, but it's far more difficult. I'm having difficulty getting hold of "shame" to release it. It's something assumed, a way to interpret the world. Before I know it, I'm a slave to it.

One thing I need to do is be more prayerful and thankful with food consumption. I need to visualize it as imbibing the grace of God through Christ, feeding my body and soul, nurturing my "loved by God" identity. I can't allow myself anymore to thoughtlessly imbibe shame (here we are, back to the idea of nurturing truth, starving lies).

Somehow I also need to allow grace toward myself to make mistakes, and turn to the Lord for comfort instead of degrading practices that degrade my sense of self and God through sin and shame.

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