- I feel insignificant and meaningless most of the time (for those in the know, that’s a “type 4” on the Enneagram).
- My feelings of restlessness often overwhelm me, causing me to do anything to distract or numb myself.
- Sometimes I am triggered by what I perceive to be rejection and betrayal from others, and these triggers easily overwhelm me, causing me to spiral in despair.
- I often assume, without even thinking about it, that I am a unique failure - that my life is the “exception that proves the rule” of God’s providence, the one life he couldn’t do anything meaningful or beautiful with.
- If I allow it, feelings and interpretations of meaninglessness can pervade every experience, conversation, activity, thoughts for the future, remembrance of the past and experience of the present. Even the most powerful and meaningful experience can be re-interpreted to fit this lens, this system of assumptions and beliefs. I rarely enjoy holidays, celebrations, vacations or birthdays for this reason.
- Even in the writing of this blog, I hope that someone might notice and affirm me, all the while knowing that any affirmation I receive won’t even make a dent in the restlessness. This brings sadness.
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
2 So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
3 Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
4 So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
6 when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
7 for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.