Not sure what good it will do to write some of this stuff down; it probably won’t be very coherent but I’m always spouting off about honesty so . . . .
I’m feeling very low right now, a complete loss of heart. I feel extremely heavy and sad (with occasional flashes of rage). Not sure which I want more – to die, or to encounter God. Swearing at him doesn’t seem to help, though I shed some tears this morning on my walk, so maybe that’s something.
Trying to trace how I got here is difficult, if not impossible. I had a lot of social interactions this weekend that left me a bit drained, but not too badly. I don’t do well in “small talk” type situations, but I try not to disengage too much.
I took part in a discussion group on law/grace dynamics on Friday night that left me doubting that I had anything worthwhile to offer the group. I was foolish enough last week to begin thinking that I had something unique to contribute to the world!
We visited my friend’s church in rural KY yesterday (where I’ll be “preaching” next week). The fellowship was sweet but my friend was too damn eloquent and smart, and I began feeling deep doubts about my being able to fill his shoes in any competent way.
Thinking more about these two events this morning led to an avalanche of sadness, grief and rage, shredding my soul. I look around and see no place at all where my “self” matters – I think any Joe Schmuck could come in off the street and do ANYTHING I do but 10x better – a better husband, father, teacher, pastor, whatever.
Trying to lift up the pain to God, but frankly I’m pretty pissed off at him for my life.
As for comments, please refrain from giving advice (Hold your tongue, Bildad!). I’m not in the mood.