Tuesday, August 25, 2009

a hope and a calling?

Very often it seems these days I am overwhelmed with sadness as I look at what used to be my "calling," (my gifted purpose in the world and in the church) which now sits in rubble. I felt strongly called to teach theology, church history and Bible with a pastoral emphasis. That all came crashing down with my soul's apparent collapse in 2002-2003. Since then I've been trying to pick up the pieces, trying desperately to make sense of it all, to see some sort of plan that would make sense of my inner anguish.

Now all I have is phantom feelings, like an amputee who has lost a limb but whose brain still registers occasional sensation. I am haunted by these phantoms as I look as I look at my library collecting dust, hear of "pastor's schools" going on, try to have fellowship with others, etc. I still feel strong desires for leading others, but no internal energy to see it come to fruition; desire to exegete and proclaim Scripture, a desire to read good theology and history, a desire to help people see God's glory in Jesus, etc.

I sometimes doubt that there will ever be that sense of calling again within me - where "my deepest desires and the world's great need meet." I doubt that synergy will happen, where my gifts and passions will find their home in me and in the church.

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