I Was With You

[This post was taken from a journal entry on 11/4/14. During a time of silence I was feeling a need and desire to see the goodness of God in story, particularly my past. As I listened, the following was spoken.]

I was with you the day your Dad left; though you couldn’t acknowledge what was happening because it was too painful, I acknowledged you.

I was with you every day you felt alone and rejected in the halls of school, offering you my companionship.

I was with you in every suicidal fantasy and ideation.

I was with you in every moment of agonizing longing, so desperate to be loved, to be special, you would have sold your soul to a girl – any girl – unless I protected you.

I held and protected your heart when you sought to silence and destroy it.

I was with you every time you hid from bullies. When you got to school early to avoid being seen, I saw you.

Every time they found you and called you a “fat loser,” I was there.

I wept with you.

I was with you at every horrifying school dance and football game.

I was there the many times you struggled with schoolwork and turned viciously inward upon yourself in self-hatred.

I was there every time you tried to numb your pain.

I held you, kept you, loved you through it all. You were never alone.

I wept with you and knew your anguish as my own.

I bore your shame and self-hatred with relentless tenderness.

I led you to this very moment of listening before me. Receive my love as your home. Abide with me as I abide with you. Beloved, I will never leave you or forsake you.

“A good shepherd never left his sheep alone. They would have been lost without him. His presence was their assurance.” (David Roper, Psalm 23: The Song of a Passionate Heart, 31).