WANTED: Younger, less mature Christian to fix my problems for me. Empathy and compassion are optional. Must demonstrate competence in spouting memorized verses of Scripture in order to control the lives of others.
Must have experience in judging others as less mature than yourself. Candidate should see the Christian life through simple black/white categories and be able to communicate these categories through quick judgments and trite advice giving.
Must be experienced in the subversive art of using guilt and manipulation. Spotless church attendance and service record required. Candidate should be proficient in name dropping, so that the proper respect is maintained in the relationship.
Compensation will be decided based upon conformity to the criteria above.
Preference given to Seminary students (especially those named Eliphaz, Bildad or Zophar)