I took a walk after I got home from Scouts, and felt furious. I vented my anger toward God, and I sensed his care and attentive listening. Slowly his acceptance began to melt my hard heart. I realized a "hypothetical" choice was before me: would I rather have a deeper understanding and experience of God or have a successful career, material goodies and popularity? Not that I can make a choice like that, but it shook me to think I would choose (heartily!) the successful life in that moment. I began to realize how foolish such a choice would be, and how such a choice would ruin me and break the heart of God.
This morning I was reading in Allender & Longman's book The Cry of the Soul, and my reflections were confirmed as I began to read their chapter on "resentful envy/jealousy." They pointed to Psalm 73, which I took the rest of my morning time meditating on. Particularly verses 21-26:
When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.
Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (ESV)
I want to want God more than anything else, and his mercy is bringing me closer to that reality. I don't really have a choice about what limits his providence determines for me; the choice I have is whether or not I will, within those limits, know and love God.
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