Journal entry from October 11, 2018
Feeling overwhelmed by things at work and the idea of trying to buy a house has sent me into a dark cloud of despair.
As I sat in what felt like a dark cave, I felt afraid to ever trust or dream again. As I presented myself before God in silence, I sensed the Lord was with me in the dark. My emotions calmed down a bit and I began listening and watching for what the Lord might do or say.
I started the silence feeling convinced of the “tragedy” of my life, that I was well justified in thinking that all was indeed hopeless. The evidence seemed incontrovertible! I am a weak puppet at the utter terrifying mercy of a cold, malicious, dark world. The message at the forefront of my mind is:
“No one cares or looks out for me.”
As I sat with the Lord, a descending progression occurred -
I began to realize that the “incontrovertible evidence” I had cited was more interpretation than fact; it was a collection of my assumptions and beliefs about events and emotions that were keeping me confined to the darkness, hidden from light, space and freedom. The problem is with the way I’m interpreting/seeing God, myself and my life.
Secondly, it became clear that self-will was indeed the interpretive grid that was causing me so much pain and despair. Self-will is the need or demand to have my own way. When my sense of safety and security is threatened, I double down my efforts to regain control over my circumstances and my world. No longer trusting in God, I am sinfully taking the burden of the world on my shoulders. My self-protection in this situation was strongly triggered, causing an “interpretation cascade” that blinded me to reality - the reality of God and his faithful care.
The Lord spoke, asking me if I would be willing to let go of my self-will and trust him again. Here is the invitation I heard:
“Beloved, when have you ever trusted me and lost your sense of self? I know giving up self-will and self-preservation feels like losing your identity and significance, but when has protecting yourself ever given you life and space to breathe? Think of the times in the past when you surrendered your life, your very self to me - has that diminished you or enlarged you? Has that led you to feel constricted or spacious? Don’t believe the lies, dear one - though the whole world seems driven by fear and self-promotion, those things will never be true, real and life-giving.
I know you feel small and abused in a harsh world, but that has more to do with your vision of reality than reality itself. Think of the birds, the flowers, the mountains - what reality, what world are they a part of? They thrive without fighting or grasping or demanding their own way; at the heart of their identity and vocation is trusting rest in my order, my Kingdom. You have a dignity far greater than they, because they don’t have a choice which world they will live in - you do.
Radically re-think your life, beloved. Remember who you are - your belovedness, your destiny, your dignity - Christ in you, the hope of glory! Remember who I am - your good Shepherd, your loving and attentive Father, your compassionate Savior and ever-present Counselor.
Trust me once again, beloved. The cave you are in is already in the Field of my caring vision. Just let go of the need to have your own way and step out into the light of day.”
