Monday, June 18, 2007

Competing Desires

I've been recently reading Larry Crabb's book SoulTalk. It's very much like his earlier work The Pressure's Off, with the focus on how the message applies to life-on-life relationships in the church.

The biggest challenge to me is the basic message of two competing desires in my soul:
1) The desire/commitment/demand that life work out so that I experience life;
2) The desire for God

I realized that I have been living forever in a deep-rooted commitment to entitlement, the desire to make life work so I would experience life, love and happiness. I've been trying to become more aware of this in my heart, trying to undermine it and encourage rather the desire for God. I feel so cold inside, dead to desire; my self-protection has become a coffin that is too narrow to breathe in. I am praying for brokenness over my sinful stance toward God, myself, and others. I want to want God; I want to want him more than making life work.

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